My light in my darkest of days
by Kindred01
Summary: UPDATED. Thorin had to make a choice between his light or the good of his kingdom.


"What do you mean you're leaving?" Thorin asked angrily. His body was stiff as he looked at the curly blonde in front of him. Bilbo had bags under his eyes, showing he didn't sleep well the night before; he looked a wreck. If Thorin didn't know any better, he would say the poor hobbit was unwell.

"Look you were not going to make this any easier, Thorin. I love you, but I can't stay. You have your duties to your people, to your kingdom, and I'm getting in the way. You need to marry someone of importance – that is what you need." Bilbo said, his voice catching in his throat as he spoke. "I've got my things on Gandalf's cart ready." He picked up his coat and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

"Bilbo please don't…"

"Thorin you can't marry me because… You're king. I've cried my full for you too long. I don't want to sit by and watch you marry someone else… It will break me." He whispered as he walked out the doors. Thorin stood there frozen as he watched the light in his life leave. He felt his heart crack as he closed his eyes.

The other dwarves hugged Bilbo and even tried to beg him to stay, but the poor Hobbit just smiled sadly and left on a cart with the grey wizard. Thorin watched from above as Bilbo left, his soul broken as he watched them disappear from view. His nephews found him hours later, still standing looking out over the battlements.

"You should have just married him, uncle," Kili whispered. The brown haired dwarf knew it sounded harsh, but it was the feeling of the whole company.

"And if I did, what did you think would happen to our kingdom? I just got it back! Your brother is still too young to take the throne… No, I need to marry someone of… importance." The brothers looked at each other.

"You would have been happy with Bilbo," Fili told him.

"It was his choice to leave… I didn't make it for him." Thorin said coldly.

"No! You just didn't bother to let him know he was of importance to you! To us!" Kili yelled angrily at him suddenly. "Instead, you are going to take some bitch to be your queen so you can have a good trade set up with their people. It is a wonder why Bilbo chose to stay this long when he found out." Thorin watched in horror as his nephew stormed away, reminding him of the boy's mother. He turned to FIli.

"And what do you have to say about this?" He asked the blonde.

"I think you made a move for the kingdom, not for yourself. It is a good move for your people, but at what cost down the line? We will get good trade but you will become an unbearable king. A loveless marriage with, what, one heir maybe, if you could get it up for her…"

"Fili!" Thorin growled, but it fell on deaf ears.

"…yeah you're doing a good thing here, letting go of your light..." Fili said, walking away.

"Where are you going?" Thorin barked at him.

"I'm going to see my brother."

Thorin didn't realise how much of a riff this would cause in his household. He didn't think so many dwarves would be angry at him, he didn't know how much Bilbo meant to them. Thorin knew that Fili and Kili were right – he let a good thing go and he was becoming more and more miserable by each passing day. He had gotten one letter from Bilbo that Gandalf gave him six months down the line when the wizard returned briefly.

He must have read it a hundred times by now. He noticed the paper was starting to look torn and worn as he read it again.

'_Dear Thorin _

_I hope you can forgive me in time. It was not to cause you pain, just a chance to clear your choices that were troubling you so. Never doubt how much I love you, or the time we spent together. I just wished there was another way we could be together… maybe in the Grey Heavens. We will find our chances or another life time. _

_I don't want you to come looking for me though I know you know where I live, but that might not be for long if the other hobbits are involved. They mostly think I died a long time ago. If you haven't married by the time this letter gets to you then do me a favour and don't ever let me know. My heart already breaks with the thought of you laying with another._

_The pain of us parting will always hurt me and I will never forget you, my love. It pains me more than you know not to wake to your warm body and your smile. Just remember me as a passing love that is now a ghost of your memories._

_Bilbo._'

Thorin cried for hours after reading the letter he had never let anyone else read. Thorin knew letting Bilbo go was the worst thing he had done to himself, and he didn't know if he could ever get him back. He had chosen his new bride - she was a dwarf, everything thing Thorin could have wanted. She come from a place where they could trade and had money on her side, but as Thorin looked at her photo he felt himself turned away in hate.

Over the next 5 years Thorin was lost. He didn't care how many times his wife screamed at him for not doing his job and getting her pregnant with his heir, or because he slept in a different room to her. She yelled at him because he didn't care whether she was there or left, he just got on with his job. He just tried to live and not think about Bilbo, but every dwarf knew why he was so depressed. Everyone did but the queen.

Regra wanted to know why her husband was so cold towards her from the moment they met and why every other dwarf was not welcoming. She found Dis sat in one of the rooms talking to one of her sons.

"Dis can we talk?" Regra asked.

"Oh course, my Queen. Go Fili; we will speak of this later." She smiled at her son as he nodded, he walked over to the door and bowed.

"My Queen." Regra noted the hardening of his words when he said 'My Queen'; it was different from his brothers when he hissed her title, he door closed behind her and she walked over to Dis and stood in front of her sister in-law.

"What can I do for you today my Queen?" Dis asked as she moved to the fire place to put some Rosemary into the fire.

"I have suffered 5 years of my husband's coldness and temper and the people's dislike for me. I have tried to make them less hateful towards me, and it has worked but I am at my wit's end Dis. I thought as you're Thorin's sister you would know what I've done?"

Dis sat next to her and sighed.

"Before you come here, my brother was in love with another. He loved him and I guess he still loves him. Mostly every Dwarf here feels the same because he helped bring us home."

Regra gasped and watched as Dis nodded with a smile.

"But why didn't he marry him? Or did he not love Thorin back?"

"Oh, no, Bilbo loved Thorin, from what my sons tell me. Bilbo was Thorin's light, but because of where he was from, it wouldn't have made very good trading relation. Hobbits are, for lack of a better word, just as greedy as us Dwarves." She smiled sadly. "Thorin was thinking of his people and what we need, for months he battled over with what to do before Bilbo make the choice for him and left. He didn't want to be here when Thorin had to marry another and make a life with them." She told the dark haired queen. Regra looked at Dis and shook her head

"Why didn't he tell me of this instead…" She wondered.

"My brother is stubborn and it's because of this that he and my son's no longer talk. I'm sorry you had to put up with this for so long."

"Isn't there anything I can do?"

"You won't like the answer, my Queen, but he won't get any better."

Regra decided in the end that she couldn't put up with life in the lonely mountain any longer and told Thorin that she was leaving him. Thorin didn't react more than a frown and a sigh before telling her that he would give her a parting gift of a lump sum of gold for her pains. Once Regra left, Dis went to speak to her brother.

"That is the second person you have chased away." She said. He looked up at her and frowned.

"What do you want Dis?" He growled angrily.

"I thought you should know something; for the last five years your nephews have been going to visit Bilbo."

Thorin looked up at her with wide eyes as he sat up.

"What do you mean visiting Bilbo? They have been going to the Shire?" He asked, his voice getting louder and louder. Dis watched him from where she stood.

"No, not the Shire. He now lives in Rivendell." She said. The king stood up shaking his head angry as he punched the walls. Dis jumped at the sudden movement. "Did that solve anything dear brother, no." She hissed at him as she took his hand and looked at the bleeding knuckles.

"Why have they not told me?"

"Because you stopped talking to them." She said.

"How is he?" He asked. his voice was quiet and soft as he watched his sister wet a cloth and clean his hand.

"He is well, from what I've been told, and he wishes to see you."

Thorin looked at her.

"What do you mean he wishes to see me?"

"That is what Fili said."

Bilbo stood overlooking Rivendell. Gone was his hobbit clothing, he now wore only Elven clothes. There was an immortal glow that Bilbo brought about himself now, his eyes brighter along with his golden hair. He arrived in Rivendell five years ago, six months after he left the lonely mountain. The Hobbits hadn't take kindly to Bilbo returning or his problem that bloomed a few months later.

Elrond welcomed him with open arms and let Kili and Fili come and visit every few months; this is how Bilbo ending up agreeing to see Thorin. The brothers told him how bad it had been and Bilbo couldn't let Thorin carry on so he told them to let him come to Rivendell. Now here he stood in front of him looking a hundred years older.

"Bilbo." Thorin whispered as he reached out to cup the halfling's face. "How I missed you." He said as he fell to his knees.

"Oh, Thorin, what have you been doing to yourself?" Bilbo asked as he ran his fingers though the Dwarf's hair. "You need to brush your hair." He told him with a frown.

Thorin looked at Bilbo and fell in love with him again, although he had never fell out of love. He heard him speak, but all he cared about was hiding his face in Bilbo's neck and breathing in his forgotten scent.

"Please come back Bilbo, I can't carry on without you. Five years have been too painful." He whispered.

"Aren't you married now Thorin?"

"No, not any more. She left me because I couldn't give her what she needed."

Bilbo looked at him.

"And what was that?" The hobbit asked as he took a brush to Thorin's dark hair.

"A husband." He said. "Please Bilbo I need you. I love you so much that it hurts to breath, a very mouthful of food is like ash in my mouth, a drink is like poison and the gold is just hard and cold." Bilbo blinked in shock at Thorin and bit his bottom lip.

"I need to tell you something Thorin, I have a son."

The dwarf king froze as he looked at Bilbo. He didn't want to believe his Hobbit laid with another.

"A…A son?" He choked.

"It's not what you think my sweet king. He's your child; he is the reason why I live here in Rivendell. The other hobbits at the Shire didn't take too kindly to me being with child when they found out." He told him as he continued to brush his hair softly.

"W…Why didn't you write? Why didn't Kili and Fili tell me?" He cried out.

"I wanted you to move on, Thorin. I didn't want us to become a painful reminder of what we could have had, you are a king and I'm well…not just a hobbit any more, but still a hobbit nonetheless." As he turned to face him, he placed the crown back on Thorin's head, smiling at his handy work. "But I now see you can't move on and truth be told I can't either." He sighed and Thorin grabbed Bilbo's hands.

"Then come back with me Bilbo. You and our child, we can raise him together." He told him as he looked up into the bright blue eyes of the halfling. He saw Bilbo smiled as he knelt in font of Thorin.

"You know I'm immortal now, I didn't have much of a choice. Frodo's birth wasn't an easy one."

"I don't care that you're immortal, Bilbo. You're still my light and I love you." Thorin leaned down and hid his face in Bilbo's neck. "Be my Queen, let me bring our Prince home to his family."

Bilbo smiled as he held Thorin close to him and let the dwarf pour out everything he had been thinking for the past five years. It was all so painful for Bilbo to hear that it broke his heart even more than he thought it had done years go. He kissed Thorin on the lips and rested his head against the dwarf's brow.

"I want nothing more than to come home with you and raise our child together and have many many more with you my king." Bilbo said. Thorin couldn't hold himself together any longer and kissed Bilbo passionately as he pushed him down onto the ground of Bilbo's private chamber and made love to him.

The king of the mountain was the happiest his people have seen him with his light by his side and their five year old child sat on Bilbo's lap, giggling at every one who come up to bow at Bilbo's feet and kiss the wedding ring on his finger. The poor hobbit found out he was pregnant once again making Thorin smile even more brightly. Even though the halls inside the mountains were dark, they now seemed brighter now the king was so full of life.


End file.
